I once worked in a newsroom with a guy who always watched for
updated editions of the in-house phone directory, so he could make what
he considered an important correction. He would open the new directory,
find the name of a certain staff member, cross out the title "Writer" and
substitute, in very neat print, "Laughingstock."
Although funny, that was a little harsh in my opinion. The writer
denigrated as a laughingstock was a windbag at times but a loveable
character, and when a big story broke he knew that speed in getting out
what facts were known was more important than agonizing over prose
worthy of being quoted down through the ages. Not every journalist
understands that. Whether Mr. Laughingstock knew about the altered
entry in the phone book I don't know, but nothing much bothered him and
I doubt that this would have either.
A vignette about this flashed through my mind the other day, perhaps
because I had just read a capsule summary of a movie to Irene from the
TV listings in The New York Times. These one-line summaries are
frequently harsh and funny and clever as hell, and it's a shame some other
use can't be found for them. I have an idea along those lines, something
intended to give readers a little more bang for the two bucks they invest
in a copy of The Times.
Step one: Save several days worth of TV listings from the paper.
Step two: Make a list of people, including those you admire, those you
find annoying and those you can't stand.
Step three: Match a name on your list with a one-liner from the paper.
(There's nothing to stop you from using a good line more than once.)
Times:
A former boss at a major network: "Fawning and self serving."
One of our neighbors: "Lethally serious."
Katie Couric: "Unfocused but affable."
One of my uncles: "Pointedly unromantic."
Most of the guys my age at the gym: "Lumpy."
Wolf Blitzer: "Intense but with no real impact."
An older man who loves to stand in front of the newspaper rack at my
7-Eleven, making it hard to reach around him: "Sluggish."
A former CBS News correspondent now big on cable TV: "Pretentious
and inane."
Me at the gym: "Lumpy."
Lou Dobbs: "Waterlogged."
"The Decision," LeBron James's TV fiasco: "Lethally dull."
The chairman of a college communications department when I was a
student: "Less than towering."
Ben Stiller sometimes: "Junky, clunky, grimly unfunny."
Ben Stiller other times: "Sweetly absurd."
The best journalist I ever met, someone who never bothered to
go beyond the eighth grade: "Avoids clichés."
Most Fox News anchors and guests: "Unintentionally funny."
Dan Rather: "Not for everybody."
Actors Seth Rogen and John C. Reilly: "Loose and scruffy appeal."
A radio anchor still in the business, although I'm not sure it's the news
business: "Hectic and harebrained."
Any and all individuals who have ever had anything to do with the TV
program "The Insider": "Wrongheaded hackwork."
Dino Drasal, the most fascinating man I know, who worked for Radio
Free Europe for years, patiently explaining the workings of communist
governments to newcomers like me while in his spare time humiliating us
on the tennis courts: "A pleasure."
Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck: "Real question: Who cares?"
Myself, much too often in newsrooms: "Loud and aimless."
Please, no e-mails asking for hints about the names of those not
identified above. I would, however, welcome suggestions - printable ones
only - on a name to link with a terrific line I saw in The Times. I tried my
damnedest but failed to come up with anyone I could put alongside "You
may never eat sausage again."
(Posted August 12, 2010)
