Irene and I aren't the sentimental kind, so when our 50th anniversary
rolled around we gave no thought at all to the possibility of renewing our
vowels. I did, however, propose that we renew our consonants. Living with
another human being for a long time means you automatically associate
certain consonants with aspects of your companion's behavior. I could
have said "annoying behavior" but that would have been redundant.
Here's the renewed consonant list I came up with.
B as in better. Better make it a double.
C as in can't. Can't hear a word you're saying with the dishwasher on.
D as in don't. Don't start in about what are we going to do if the stock
market tanks again. I don't know. That's my answer. It doesn't matter how
many times you ask the question.
F as in forget. Forget it, will you? I did not say that your cooking was
better ten years ago.
G as in good. Good and late is what we're going to be if you don't
decide which blouse to wear and get in the car.
H as in hips. Hips aren't everything. You still have good skin.
J as in ja. Ja, ja. Whatever you say.
K as in keep. Keep telling you - you can kiss your computer goodbye
when it starts making noises like that.
L as in love. Love the way you wiggle your fanny when grating cheese.
M as in money. Money isn't everything. Sorry, just joking.
N as in now. Now that you mention it, a triple rather than a double
does sound good.
P as in pushups. Pushups aren't really all that good for you. I'm pretty
sure I read that some place the other day.
Q as in quit. Quit asking me where your glasses are. If you wore them
all the time like you should, you'd know.
R as in remember. Remember how you always complain you have
a stomach ache after you order the fried duck sandwich with extra mayo
and fries?
S as in sighing. Sighing when we first sit down at my sister's is really,
really annoying. Why do you do that?
T as in tedious. Tedious is a perfect description of most ski stories - I'll
give you that.
V as in very. Very little I can do about that leak in the shower. You
know that, so why do you keep bringing it up?
W as in when. When are you going to stop complaining about your
back and go see a doctor?
X as in Xeroxing. Xeroxing my butt on the office copy machine doesn't
strike you as being very professional. Who cares? It got a laugh.
Y (the sometime consonant) as in you. You can't be serious about
never watching the Academy Awards again just because James Dean
didn't win. That was more than half a century ago. Get over it.
Z as in zip. "Zip it" seems to be about the only thing you say to me
these days when we have company.
I'm still waiting to see Irene's list, if she drew up one. She ignores
almost all my suggestions, a policy she has strictly adhered to for the last
50 plus years. That's probably best for both of us. She was co-salutatorian
of her high school class while miles away I was class clown and proud of
it. Not a whole hell of a lot has changed since then.
(Posted July 14, 2010)
