I'm having trouble understanding much of what passes for English
these days. During the NCAA men's basketball tournament, CBS Sports
showed a graphic informing viewers that an Ohio State player was
majoring in "Pre-Family Resource Management." Huh? Does that mean
he wants to run a sperm bank?
Is "Pre-Family Resource Management" something new dreamed up by
a tight-faced turnip with a PHD? Or an old and boring topic - say Family
Planning - merely re-packaged?
Where I really get lost is reading the ads on JournalismJobs.com. In
October, The New York Times ran an ad for a photo producer for the
website of its T Magazine, surely one of the greatest wastes of ink, time
and paper ever. At the bottom of the ad, there was what appeared to be
the usual boilerplate about The New York Times Company being an
equal opportunity employer that doesn't discriminate "on the basis of
race, color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, marital status, age,
disability, national origin, citizenship" and then, this wrinkle, "or any
other protected characteristic."
"Protected characteristic?" What's that? How do you qualify for
a "protected characteristic?" During my time in newsrooms, my prime
characteristics were undoubtedly sarcasm and yelling. Is one or both
of those now "protected?" Does this mean if I were a manager now and
someone who screwed up badly said, "Well, I did the best I could," I
wouldn't get in trouble with the Human Resources people when I
snapped "maybe that's the problem?"
When I was an editor, the objective was to produce copy that was as
clear and as to the point as possible without distortion. I don't think
"protected characteristic" passes that test. The phrase is new to me and
presumably politically correct since it too can be abbreviated as PC.
Not too long ago Newsday.com advertised in JournalismJobs.com for
a "Vertical Product Specialist." Was Newsday.com looking for an elevator
operator? When I read on, I decided not. "The Vertical Product
Specialist," the ad said, "will be responsible for product planning and
execution of new mobile and newsletter products for Newsday
Interactive throughout the full product lifecycle." I wish I could write
like that.
Whoever ended up with the job would also be expected to work
"closely with cross-functional teams to ensure financial and customer
satisfaction goals are met." I don't know about you, but it has been a life-
time goal of mine to rub shoulders with a "cross-functional" team. As I
see it, this would be a group of people who were really good at their jobs
but argued among themselves - cross as hell - all the time. The constant
bickering on the job should cut down on after work drinking sessions
and maybe save a marriage or two.
Newsday.com was apparently looking for a marketing person who
didn't flinch when he or she was confronted by "Vertical Product
Specialist" or other gobbledygook. I'll bet they found someone.
One of the most irritating things about inflated English is how quickly
it gets copied, here and overseas. My favorite village in Austria, Pettneu,
used to have a Schwimmbad, a swimming pool. A few years ago this
same facility was renamed Wellness Zentrum.
A Google search of "wellness center" produces more than 70 pages of
results, including several animal wellness centers. I don't own a pet and
for all I know veterinarians are now called something else. Maybe Bow
Wow-Meow Associates. I suppose if I live long enough the expression
"for goodness' sake" will be corrupted to "for wellness' sake." Won't that
be swell.
(Posted April 8, 2010. On April 18, 2010, The New York Times
Magazine published "The Wellness Issue," including an "On
Language" column about "wellness," the word.)