The Royal Fuss

       I turned on the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric the other night and immediately began swearing. No, it wasn’t because they refuse to have Morgan Freeman redo the opening so he doesn’t say “head-quah-tuhs.” It was the lead - Prince Wincelot and whatever-her-name-is. 
       I switched to NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams. More swearing. By me, not Brian. They too were leading with the Prince and Little Miss Twinkleface. This was idiocy, I kept carping, in between cuss words. In the background, a voice - Irene’s - was saying “people are interested in the royal family.” What does she know? I was a journalist for 45 years. I know news, she knows publishing.
       There was only one hope left, ABC’s World News with Diane Sawyer. Hurray! They led with China. But wait, Sawyer was in Shanghai and that explains their choice. When she threw it to George Stephanopoulos, the first words out of his mouth were royal nonsense.
       I can’t remember if it was Dirty Harry or Barry Goldwater who said “a man’s got to know his limitations,” but I know two of my shortcomings  when it comes to news judgment – the British royal family and winter snow storms are non-stories in my book. The fact that millions of Americans seem interested and fascinated by both doesn’t cut it with me.
       When Princess Diana, Prince Wincelot’s mother, was in that car crash in Paris, I was on vacation in Maine. If I had been home and CBS News, Radio had called me, I would have told them to report it in hourly newscasts, to do a special or two if they had enough material but not to go crazy. It was no big deal. Had I given those instructions, CBS News would have chucked me out the door many moons sooner than they eventually did.
       Charlie Kaye, the Executive Producer for CBS News, Radio, was not in Maine the night of the accident nor was his head someplace other than his shoulders. He ordered extensive wall-to-wall coverage, and the affiliates loved it.
       On my return to the newsroom, I remember remarking, in my usual bashful mode, that as far as I was concerned Princess Diana was a slut who divorced a twit to run off with a junkie. That does not appear to be a sentiment widely shared, least of all by my editor, Irene, who wanted it noted that she had “strong objections” to this paragraph. I gather that people in publishing, unlike some journalists, think before speaking.
       I'm also apparently way off base in my long-held view that “it snows in the winter,” and, unless there is a major disruption of transport and commerce, it’s not really that important, and newscasts shouldn’t lead hour after hour with snow in the Midwest or wherever. Here too my views seem to be shared by approximately nine other people on this planet, four of whom are deceased.
       While a man in his 70s could be expected to be a little more mellow than he was in his 40s, I remain firm in my view that it’s ridiculous to waste air time and print on the royals of the United Kingdom. Newscasts and newspapers aren’t the place for fairy tales and fantasies about Prince Wincelot, his father, the Prince of Nails, and the rest of that bunch. Although I’m reluctantly ready to concede I’m full of it when it comes to the interest and importance connected with winter storms, my opinion about the royals is unshakeable. In fact, I’m forming a group opposed to royal news exposure. A snappy name or acronym is vital, and whilst I try to decide on one, here are some of the possibilities:

         IST-MI – Isn’t There Something More Important

         The Royal WC Society - (WC for Who Cares)

         Y-CBS –You Can’t Be Serious

         (Said in an angry tone) RRR - Real Royal Rubbish

         INIST – I’m Not Interested – So There

         O-SHUTUP – Obviously Sauced Hucksters Up To Usual Prattle

         MRS - More Royal Silliness

         WDC - -We Don’t Care   

         IN-VORT – I’m Not Viewing or Reading This

         WGARS – Who Gives A Royal S---

       If you have a favorite or a suggestion of your own, let me know.

       The American media are going to go nuts until that damn wedding five months away, and, as much as I hate to say it, maybe Lindsay or Britney or a member of the U.S. Congress will do something really outrageous to divert media attention from this royal drivel.  

                                   (Posted November 23, 2010)