As per your request, REG Security Inc. has over the past eight months focused its state-of-the-art surveillance capabilities on Mrs. Irene T. McCoy and Mr. Larry McCoy, possible candidates for the New York State Senior Citizens of the Year Award. A summary of the McCoys’ increasingly sedentary and mundane activities follows:
- They do not talk on their cellphones while in line at the deli, walking down the street or at the movies.
- They do not drive while talking on the phone.
- They do not drive while texting.
- They do not drive, except on one occasion in 2011, while eating bagels. (Although this particular video is not of the highest quality, the consensus of our expert video staff is that it was bagels they were eating at 8:43 a.m. June 4th on the New York State Thruway, although one analyst was adamant that it was day-old veggie wraps. We could spend more time on this facet of their behavior if you so wish.)
- They do not turn right at corners where “No Turn On Right” signs are posted.
- They do not drive at night wearing sunglasses.
- Careful analysis of available video shows they use their signals before changing lanes. They appear totally unaware that most New Yorkers never use their turn signals, and those who do only do so after they have changed lanes.
- Evidence we have collected shows they do not own a BlackBerry, use Blue Tooth or drink Grey Goose, orange soda, Red Bull or yellow tail wines. We are led to the conclusion that there is very little color in their lives.
- Although their 2010 tax return shows a charity deduction for PBS, our audio specialists report hearing considerable chatter while they watch “Masterpiece Theater” with Mr. McCoy frequently asking, “What the ---- did she say? I can’t understand half of what they’re saying. ” Mrs. McCoy’s typical response was reported as, “I’m not sure either.” (Our recommendation is that the Office of the Governor of New York provide their names, address and ages to the HearPal hearing aid company, and for the McCoys to be notified they should expect a phone call from HearPal after the holidays - in India- are over.)
- Our audio experts also report neither of them seems to understand many of the commercials now on television, and further that Mr. McCoy went on and on the night of November 17th about an ad that warned about “premature perspiration,” demanding to know how you can perspire prematurely. This juvenile outburst was followed two nights later by four minutes and 24 seconds of non-stop yelling at the TV after Mr. McCoy heard the words “after 20 your skin slows down.”
- Data available as of December 9th, 2011 indicate that about every three months Mr. McCoy meets at night with a non-New York State resident at a tavern in Rockville Centre where, while sitting at the bar, the two bespectacled males talk about news, sports, radio, Sears Roebuck and figs. (If requested, REG Security Inc. is prepared to ascertain the importance of these frequent discussions involving figs. REG Security Inc. is also prepared, on request, to pursue a fuller explanation of remarks by Mr. McCoy at a gym in Rockville Centre at 7:49 a.m. November 30th that – unofficial transcription – “If you don’t think the American education system is bankrupt, then how do you explain the Republican presidential field?”)
REG Security Inc. has established to its satisfaction that on a number of occasions one or both of the McCoys have said that the Honorable Governor Andrew M. Cuomo is looking more and more like his father and to wonder out loud if the governor has any intention of marrying his girlfriend Sandra Lee. We suggest no action on this matter beyond placing a note in their file.
The conclusion of REG Security Inc. is that Mr. and Mrs. McCoy are average New York seniors who would not embarrass the State or its officials if the honor of New York State Senior Citizens of the Year Award was bestowed upon them. However, there is one late warning flag that REG Security Inc. is still actively investigating. A usually reliable source tells us that Mr. McCoy plans to claim $1,245.68 in expenses for a book signing in Rockville Centre. Two home-made pizzas, one bottle of red wine and a pumpkin cake hardly add up to $1245.68, particularly since the cake was a gift from one of the guests at the signing. We will let you know immediately if there are new leads on this question.
For REG Security Inc.,
Rod J. Rekoff
(Posted December 10, 2011)