A few of the pieces written about The Donald when he was running for president.
DEAR MR. TRUMP
Donald J. Trump
The Trump Organization
725 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York 10022
Dear Mr. Trump,
You make me so proud of my country every time you open your mouth. Such wisdom and compassion so evident in every syllable. And your tweets are absolute dynamite. You, Sir, will Make America Great Again. And then it will be just one fantastic deal after another.
An email this morning from a friend in Germany said it would be a “disaster” if you became president. And here I thought this guy was my friend. He isn’t. He’s a loser, a big time loser, living in a country of losers. Germany’s the all-time biggest loser in Europe. The whole place was one big pile of rubble after we kicked their ass.
The second I finish this letter I’m going to answer that email, telling this guy he’s a loser and a liar and to just shut up. You know what he really is? He’s a pussy! Just like you said Ted Cruz was the other day.
Man, when I heard you say that I almost fell off the couch. Me and my friends (well, all my friends except that loser in Germany) love it when you let these jerks have it. It’s time we had someone in the White House who’s not afraid of using the P-word. Pussy, pussy, pussy.
Please don’t stop. Believe it or not, some of us think you are holding back a little. All those candy asses running against you need to be put in their place. I’m waiting for the day when you call one of them a m-----f-----. (I didn’t spell that out in case some lady scans your mail before you see it.) Frankly, that’s what they all are, those clowns, just a bunch of crybaby m-----f-----s.
Anyway, you’ve got these losers and liars by the throat. Don’t let’em up. I loved that tweet of yours about Ted Cruz being “a totally unstable individual.” He’s a fruitcake, and we all know no one likes fruitcake except losers.
By the way, in case you decide to stop spending your own money and rely instead on political action committees to pick up the expenses of your historic campaign, I’m passing along a few possible names for PACs. Frankly some of these wouldn’t do anything at all but their names alone would irritate the hell out of the losers of this world.
Mexicans for Trump
Pottymouths for Trump
Masons Making America Great Again
Muslims for Trump
Blond Boys for Donald
Shaping Up America, Shaking Up Iran
Mexican Muslims for Trump
Thanks for your time, Mr. Trump. God bless you for all you’re doing for your country and liberty, justice and good deals for all. If you ever run short of red ties, let me know. There’s a store on West 37th Street that sells great ties, though I think many of them are made in communist Vietnam. I won’t tell anyone if you won’t.
(Posted February 16, 2016)
President Donald J. Trump's Inaugural Address
(A transcript, with annotations, of President Trump’s inaugural address delivered January 20, 2017.)
Four score and seven hours from now our great Corps of Engineers will bring forth on this continent a new wall, conceived in Liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men—yes, I said men—are created equal and that Mexicans, Muslims and other assorted losers should stay the hell out.
Whether you know it or not, Folks, we are now engaged in a great civic war, testing whether this nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure with Mexicans raping our women, China stealing our jobs, choke artists like Mitt Romney spouting nonsense, journalists making up crap about us all the time, and Megyn Kelly—she’s absolutely the worse—still on the air at Fox News. What’s up with that? (Applause.)
Hi, David, old buddy. (President Trump turns and points at a man in the stands behind him.) Did we show those bastards or what? (Applause.) We are met here at our Capitol, a great battlefield of the war against losers, cripples, lightweights and pussies. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, which I’m proud to announce will be known as Trump’s Victory Plaza (applause)—thank you, thank you very much—to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting place for those pollsters, hacks, politicians, stiffs, choke artists, and all sorts of low energy people who don’t know a great deal when they see one and refused to believe I could be elected president of the United States. Ha, ha, ha. Kiss my ass. (Sustained applause.)
It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. I’m…(sounds of shouting and then sustained booing) Out, out, get them out of here! Bye, bye. Who let those creeps get this close? Did you see the face on that one guy? A loser, absolutely a loser. As I was saying, Folks, I’m not only a very rich man—I’ve made some of the best deals in the last 200 years—but I’m generous as all get out. And that’s why anyone who ran against me or opposed my nomination, including that moralizing chicken Mitt Romney—didn’t he run one magnificent campaign in 2012, not a clue, the man doesn’t have a clue, totally irrelevant—any of these characters who have the misfortune to die during my great term of office will be buried for free in Trump Victory Plaza. For free. (Applause.) This deal—and trust me it’s a great deal, I know how to make great deals—this deal also applies to anyone who has worked for that rag of rags, The New York Times in the past five years. What a disgraceful paper that is. You agree, right? (Sustained applause.) You know the media are among the most dishonest people I’ve ever dealt with. (More applause.)
But anyway, in a larger sense we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who without any struggle at all gave me all that free air time on cable television, are now facing the consequences and it’s far above our poor power to add or detract from the frightening pain they must be suffering. Are you glad you’re not in their shoes? (Applause.) You know, of course, that all these low energy guys have small feet, right, and we all know what that means. You betcha! (Sustained applause and laughter.)
Hi, Sarah darling. (President Trump turns and points to a lady in the stands behind him.) You look great. If I didn’t know your husband so well, I’d jump all over you, right now in front of all these people. Ha, ha. Just kidding. Well, kind of.
The world will certainly note and long remember what I say here, and it can never forgive the losers, creeps, little people with dirty minds and that pathetic Hillary crowd and what they tried to do to me, to me Donald J. Trump, Master of the Universe. Okay, Folks, that was a little joke. (Sustained applause and laughter.)
It is for us the living supporters of Make America Great Again to be dedicated here to the unfinished work that Obama failed so desperately to advance in any noble way. What a disaster that guy was, right? (Sustained applause and laughter.)
It is for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us, that we take increased devotion to that cause of making great deals, suing any suckers who cross us, and ignoring anything we see in the newspapers, so that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom and the government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth and that we will live in freedom, free of Mexicans and Muslims! Amen. Thank you very much.
(Sustained applause and cheers. After three minutes President Trump returns briefly to the podium.)
And by the way, anyone who didn’t get one of our new brown uniforms—we got a great deal on those and you’re going to love them—stop over by the White House and see Chris Christie, our new Quartermaster General.
(Posted March 3, 2016)
Why I Think I Could Be A Good Canadian
Office of the Prime Minister
80 Wellington Street
Ottawa, ON K1A oA2
Dear Mr. Trudeau,
One of my best friends is a Canadian. I’ll bet you’re getting lots of letters these days from U.S. citizens claiming that. You’ll get even more if Donald “the Sump Pump” Trump becomes president down here. In my case it’s true, one of my best friends is Canadian. Albert N. and I have been pals for nearly half a century and just the other day I called him on his 20th birthday. He’s one of those February 29th people with a birthday every four years.
Albert and I get along fine, respect each other and treat each other as equals. (If only our two countries would do that more often.) I once helped him hang cabinets in his kitchen. We both agreed it was a job well done and then had drinks (Canadian Club) and dinner. We’ve done a lot of skiing together, and I remember the time my wife, Irene, packed sandwiches so my Canadian friend wouldn’t go hungry on the long drive to the ski resort.
Although he doesn’t know I’m writing to you, I’m confident he would vouch for me and endorse my application for Canadian citizenship, should it come to that. (Albert is from Alberta, but I must confess I’ve never asked him if there is any connection between his name and his birthplace.)
Mr. Prime Minister, here are eight reasons I think I would make a good Canadian.
(1) I always stand when I hear Wayne Gretzky’s name. It doesn’t matter where I am—at home, in a restaurant, on a train. Honest. If you don’t believe me, you can ask Mrs. McCoy. (She plans to write her own letter to you, and I’ve suggested she stress my respect for “The Great One.”)
(2) I have never made jokes about curling, not a one. For my money, it’s a very exciting sport.
(3) I’ve been to a Celine Dion concert. She is wonderful. Some years ago I attended a Gordon Lightfoot concert, and he too was dynamite. I haven’t seen Shania Twain, Alanis Morissette, Saga or Neil Young in person but sure would like to real soon.
(4) Whenever someone is going to Niagara Falls, I always tell them to go to the Canadian side because the view is much more spectacular from there.
(5) Unless they’re playing the Yankees, I root for the Toronto Blue Jays, especially when they are going up against those Boston blowhards.
(6) I know what poutine is, know how to pronounce it and don’t think there is anything odd about people putting gravy and cheese on French fries. I also know what a loonie is, and obviously the reason I’m writing is because of the loonies down here.
(7) Canadian maple syrup is ten times better than that bilge they produce in Vermont.
(8) My world view is very much in line with traditional Canadian thinking—not every international problem can be solved by bombing, invasion or both.
Mr. Trudeau, you were very charming and down to earth in that recent interview with “60 Minutes.” If only more U.S. politicians would throw away their “talking points” and just be themselves, people might get to like them. I thank you for your time, Mr. Trudeau, and wish you success in the years ahead. Perhaps, come fall, I’ll be in touch with you again.
Long Island, New York
P.S. Should there be a disaster in November with Mr. Potty Mouth becoming our president-elect, I and many of my friends hope you will immediately order the Canadian military to begin contingency planning for a possible invasion of our country. Millions of us firmly believe that in these circumstances a line from “O Canada”, “We stand guard for thee”, should apply to us too. We do recommend, however, that any bombing in the U.S. be limited to properties with the Trump name on them.
(Posted March 18, 2016)
Today's First Six Emails
(Written July 22, 2016, the day after Donald J. Trump’s speech to the Republican National Convention.)
All those years the two of us spent rewriting pieces from Central Monitoring about Nicolae Ceausescu, trying to make sense of his speeches. Nicolae Ceausescu spoke in Cleveland last night. He spoke and spoke and spoke. “I alone can fix it.” I suspect that sounds as awful and as depraved in Romanian as it does in English. Send me a good joke, please. Sappest.
Need an urgent favor. Please send sappest brochures on house buying and house hunting in New Zealand, both North and South Islands. Thanks.
You ain’t getting any younger fella and I know you’ve been in Munich for more than 40 years but….Any thoughts of going home to Alberta? If so, please let me know sappest. Maybe we could buy adjoining properties. Cheers.
Honest answer, Kid. You’ve been there for what, five or six years now? What’s it like being an American living in Australia? I want to know it all, the good, the bad. Respond sappest please. Cheers.
I am so proud of my country this morning. I know, I know. Sarcasm. If you want any more sheet music from over here, let me know sappest. There may be no music written or sung by the middle of next year. Cheers.
Serious question: if it comes to having to wear uniforms, should I pick the dark brown one or the green? Give me your opinion at lunch, please.
Memo To Republicans In The Locker Room
It might be smart to occasionally remember, and maybe even publicly acknowledge, that Hillary Clinton hasn’t been secretary of state for nearly four years now.
That being the case there might be the possibility that everything you think is wrong with this country and the universe is not entirely her fault.
Does it make sense to dismiss The New York Times as an opinionated liberal mouthpiece when you haven’t read it in years? Would you know that Hillary Clinton used a private email server if The Times hadn’t reported it? If you didn’t know that, would you have much to talk about?
If Trump should win in November, do you think his first Supreme Court nominee should be Chris Christie or Rudy Giuliani or Vladimir Putin?
Do you think Sean Hannity is smarter than a hubcap? If so, tell me why.
If Donald Trump decided to challenge GM and others and go into the car-building business, what would power these vehicles? Hot air? Cow dung? Small Mexicans pushing them?
Several of you have indicated you aren’t crazy about your choices in November. I’m planning to cast a write-in vote for Jimmy Hoffa. Join me so I won’t feel so alone.
Would you ever watch Fox News if the women anchors wore only pants suits and it was the men anchors who were showing their legs and thighs?
Don't talk politics when brushing your teeth. It makes you look like you're foaming at the mouth.
Is it my imagination or is it only conservatives who put powder on their private parts? Name one Democrat in the locker room who does that?
Should we all give some thought to wearing boxing gloves at this year’s Christmas-Hanukkah get together?
See you tomorrow.
Larry the Liberal
(Posted September 9, 2016)
Letter to HRC, Her Royal Clintonese
October 27, 2016
Dear Secretary Clinton,
This son of Clinton County, Indiana, has never done this before, voted for a Clinton—for you or Bill or even DeWitt Clinton—but this time around there is no way out. I’ve thought of a protest vote, a write-in vote for a writer I admire. Say Billy Collins, Steve Goodman, Bruce Morton or Tom T. Hall.
That’s really tempting because good writing, at least among public officials on Long Island where I live, is pretty scarce. One village recently put up posters for a “Free Fall Festival.” The posters didn’t give the distance of the free fall.
A few weeks back the U.S. Post Office brought us a flier that said:
“ ‘Fall’ in Love
“All Over Again
“County Executive Mangano and his wife Linda.”
I was unaware I had fallen in love with these people once before. (And I suspect once would have been enough.) The flier was received before the Manganos were indicted on federal corruption charges. Since that development, it has been revealed that the never-bashful Mr. Mangano gave himself a $17,000 annual pay raise, which should help him order a ton of books from Amazon.com should he spend the next few years in jail. You wouldn’t want a public servant to be broke and in jail with nothing to read.
So as I was saying, I’m not scratching in anyone’s name next month as a protest vote. Although I don’t want to, I have to vote for you. (No, I haven’t decided yet whether I’m man enough to be seen doing this or whether I’m going to go in disguise to the fire station where we vote.)
Every vote counts, they say, and in going against every gene in my body in casting my lot with you, here’s what I expect from you, Madame Secretary, if you are elected:
--Immediately appoint a non-partisan monitoring group to review your every email and, after redactions for security reasons, to release them nightly in time for the evening news broadcasts.
--On Inauguration Day name Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich and Chris Christie to ambassador posts. Get them out of the country for the good of the country.
--Give serious thought to sending Bill overseas for long, long stretches at a time.
--Assemble a panel of tax experts to study whether the U.S.A. could eliminate all personal income and sales taxes and still pay its bills and bolster the Social Security system by simply levying heavy fines every year against all corporations doing business in this country as well as the top 25 executives of all companies. Experience has shown that many of the companies and executives are up to their necks in illegal or very questionable activities.
--Visit the White House Travel Office your first week in office to promise those folks there will be no repetition of the mess you created there the last time you lived at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
--Fix Obamacare. Yes, many more people now have health insurance but lots of others have outrageous payments and deductibles.
--Sign a legally binding document that when you leave the White House this time that you won’t take half the furniture and china with you.
--Appoint a Supreme Court nominee or nominees who will vote to overturn the ridiculous Citizens United decision about corporate donations to political campaigns.
--Get yourself a red, white and blue pants suit and wear that sucker on every big holiday.
Madame Secretary, you don’t know how odd it’s going to feel voting for a Clinton on November 8th. I do wish you and my country and all its citizens success.
P.S. Oh, one other thing. Just one term please. Your four years are sure to feel like eight anyway.
AN OLD BUDDY EMAILS THE DONALD
Yo, Big Guy, you did it. Won the whole damn thing. Surprised? Sure you are. Scared? Sure you are. Don’t try to fake it.
Here are a few tips from your old buddy:
The next time you’re at the White House or on Capitol Hill try to relax. You looked terrified and very unconfident and uncomfortable in the pictures and videos.
Prepare yourself for having to shake hands, smile and mingle with some older ladies. Stop with the rating of chicks. Angela Merkel and Theresa May (to save you the trouble of asking who these women are, they’re the leaders of Germany and Britain) aren’t chicks. They’re older ladies, powerful European leaders. I know you and I have shot the breeze about what it would be like to put a tongue down the throat of an old lady. This will have to wait until you’re out of office.
And don’t for God’s sakes, grab them down there in the fun zone. Shake their hands and that’s it. (I do sure as hell hope you’ve read down this far.)
Your days of backing young ladies into corners when you think no one is watching are temporarily over. Even if you think no one is watching in the Oval Office, someone is. Not only watching but listening. I’m not suggesting you be extra careful during this period. I’m telling you, you have to stop. Now!
You may not want to hear this so soon, but you’re not actually thinking of doing this for the next four years, are you? It won’t be fun, Don, and you and I both know you love to have your fun. My money says you’ll do a year or a year and a half of this nonsense and then turn things over to Mike Pence. Do me a favor, if you invite me to any White House parties, promise me Pence won’t be there. What a ball of laughs he is. A perfect example of what having a board up your ass does to a person. Can you see the board under his suit coat?
You know, I hope, the damn press – all those lying, dishonest bastards - are going to be second-guessing every step you take. Because of these relentless weasels, I suspect you’re not going to be able to declare the USA is bankrupt and then walk away from the mess with mucho more dollars in your own bank account. A pity, but you’ll get many more shots at doing that when you’re back to being a private citizen. Just think how enormous the good old Trump brand is going to be when you leave office. Big league, Don, big, big league.
Maybe you ought to fess up about Trump University, admit it wasn’t as advertised, say you’re sorry (you don’t have to mean it) and settle that law suit.
Appoint some flunky to head the IRS, someone who knows your tax returns are not to be discussed. Ever. Keep the same line—I’m being audited and when the audit is over I’ll gladly make my returns public. Giggle, giggle.
That’s all for now. I’ll be in touch from time to time. I know you’re busy as hell but wanted to say hello and congratulate you. Way to go, Big Guy.
All the best.
P.S. Not to spoil your day, but do we know a chick named Heather? A good solid 9, I’d say, judging by the picture her lawyer sent me. He’s making noises about some nonsense he claims happened two years ago at Mar-a-Lago. I’ll handle it with the usual BS. Don’t worry. You’ve got enough on your plate at the moment.
(Posted November 11, 2016)